We Ate It, So You Don't Have To: Cheetos Mac N' Cheese

 Dave: So, when I saw that Cheetos was making mac & cheese, my first thought was "I'm going to try this and it is going to be gross."

Wren: My first thought when I saw the boxes in our cupboard was, "I'm not surprised, but I am disappointed."

Dave: And here's the thing. This is disappointing, but not in the ways you'd expect. These are 5.9 oz. boxes emblazoned with the picture of Cheetah Tom Waits. The flavors are "Bold & Cheesy," "Cheesy Jalapeno," and "Flamin' Hot." Each has "yeast extract" fairly high up the list, and a surprising list of powder cheeses. Wren, do you have anything before we get to the taste test?

Wren: Look, I've been living in fear and awe of these boxes since they entered the house. Let's get to it.

We prepared each according to the boxed instructions, although we used heavy whipping cream instead of the standard milk. Why not give these powders their best chance to shine? We also cooked all the noodles from all three boxes together, which somehow gave us slightly too many noodles? Anyway, when all was said and done we had three bowls: one vibrantly orange, one weirdly orange-green, and one aggressively red.

Dave: Vibrant Orange is Bold & Cheesy. This is where we started taste testing with what was presented to us as the neutral flavor. My tasting notes are:

    Nose: Bottom of a bag of Cheetos
    Mouth: Generic mac & cheese
    Aftertaste: Chemicals

As far as I'm concerned, this is a basic "okay" boxed mac & cheese. Is it Annie's Cheddar Bunnies? No. Is it Clancy's Legally Distinct From "PASTA" and "we can't call this cheese?" Also...no.

Wren: This is definitely the mac & cheese that, if someone said, "I want mac & cheese, but also Cheetos? I'm going to just pour milk into a bowl of Cheetos and heat it up, call it done" I would say...yeah, sure, that's an approximate experience.

Not bad, not great...but 100% what I expected.

We moved next to the Cheesy Jalapeno.

Dave: This was a pleasant surprise as both the cheese and the jalapenos are more on display in this box. If someone said "I need to try one of the Cheetos Macs 'N Cheeses, which should I try?" this is where I'd steer them.

    Nose: Chili Cheese Frito's Curls
    Mouth: Spicy Nacho Cheese
    Aftertaste: Chemicals, but not that bad

Wren: The cheese blend is more complex, for starters - cheddar, romano, monterey jack, parmesan and blue cheese to Bold & Cheesy's cheddar and far-down-the-list, also-ran blue cheese. The jalapeno is also clearly dehydrated powdered jalapenos, giving the mix a less chemical taste.

Dave: And now, if you're ready to be disappointed - it's time to talk about Flamin' Hot. Everything about this writes checks the flavor can't cash. Is it particularly flavorful? No. Is it particularly spicy? No. Does it feel like I could eat more than a few spoons without getting indigestion? Also no.

    Nose: Chemicals
    Mouth: Hot, but neither pleasantly or amusingly so
    Aftertaste: Chemicals

Wren: The flavor does build upon return forkfuls, but you kind of have to get past the first one, which is mediocre enough to make you not bother. It is a very fun shade of red, though.

Now that we'd tried each flavor individually, it was time to do some experiments.

Experiment #1: Mixing Flavors

Wren: My favorite flavor combo was probably Cheesy Jalapeno and Flamin' Hot. By this point, it may have just been the sodium talking, but I thought the jalapeno made the Flamin' Hot more interesting, and the Flamin' Hot added more fun pepper flavor to the mix. I was surprised by how good the combo of Flamin' Hot and Bold & Cheesy was: somehow, whatever "natural flavors" gave the Flamin' Hot their spices weirdly eradicated the chemical aftertaste of the Bold & Cheesy. Like a pickleback shot, but with mac & cheese!

Dave: Everything gets pretty okay when you mix all the flavors in a big bowl. Spicy, flavorful, and cheesy start to coalesce when everything is together - or possibly it's a weird Cheetos Stockholm Syndrome. 

Each box invites you to Cheetos Mac Hack (#CheetosMacHack) and top the mac & cheese your way, so that's what we did next.

    Bold & Cheesy with Honey Mustard Chicken and Smoked Pineapple

Wren: The smoked pineapple really made the bite: the sweetness and acidity cut pleasantly through the salty cheese flavor.

Dave: The toppings did the heavy lifting here. I'd happily top any boxed Mac n' Cheese with this combo.

    Cheesy Jalapeno with Pork Ribs and Hatch Valley Salsa

Wren: This was probably my favorite. The fat of the pork ribs, the smoky heat of the hatch peppers...an excellent complement to what was already the most interesting mac & cheese of the bunch. I would consider bringing some version of this as a pasta salad to a very Midwestern picnic.

Dave: This definitely worked. The Hatch Chiles brought out a brightness from the jalapeno and the ribs added a fullness to the bite.

    Flamin' Hot with Andouille Sausage and Sriracha

Wren: Honestly? Sriracha did most of the heavy lifting here. I wouldn't call it a particularly subtle hot sauce, but after being faced with the very one-note heat of the Flamin' Hot Cheetos pasta, sriracha tasted like a spectrum of spice. Grilled Andouille sausage didn't hurt things, certainly, but having these elements over plain pasta wouldn't have been a downgrade.

Dave: All this bite did was make me wish for any allium flavor or real heat in the Flamin' Hot flavor. Did the garlic in the sausage and the heat from the sriracha improve things? Yes. Did the Cheetos flavor add anything at all? Not really.

Each box was $1.00 at Food For Less. No compensation was provided for this review.